The Advice given by My Father Which Rescued Me as a New Parent

"I think I was just in survival mode for a year."

Former reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the challenges of being a father.

But the actual experience quickly turned out to be "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems during the birth resulted in his partner Louise being hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her chief support in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I handled every night time, every nappy change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he burnt out. That was when a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that made him realise he needed help.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a good spot. You require support. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His situation is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While people is now better used to addressing the stress on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a larger inability to talk between men, who continue to hold onto negative ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a sign of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to take a break - going on a few days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a shift to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son better understand the expression of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male guidance. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "terrible decisions" when younger to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They can short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end make things worse."

Advice for Coping as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling under pressure, tell a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor about your state of mind. This can to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, socialising or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the most effective way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally found it hard to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the stability and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they faced their struggles, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."